Amplified Feelings

Guys, Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) sucks when it comes to regulating feelings and emotions. It. Is. HARD. Sometimes it literally feels impossible, that I am able to control how I feel. There are countless happenings throughout the day in which I wish I could just simply “turn off my feelings”. But I can’t. And I’m here to tell you that it sucks.

When it comes down to it, I would much rather “feel” less than more. I’d rather not feel someone else’s pain. I’d rather not feel bad for someone when they put themselves into a stupid situation that caused others harm (intended or not). I’d rather not cry every single time I see anything my brain perceives as “sad”. I’d simply rather not feel.

To have so many emotions that rise to the surface so quickly causes difficulties when trying to live every day life. I get frustrated easier, I get sad easier, I get depressed easier. Simple tasks can turn into a “you’re making a molehill into a mountain” type of thing. And outsiders looking into your life, just can’t seem to understand why I “feel” a particular way or why I reacted the way I did. They just don’t feel what I feel. And for just one day, I wish they could.

I wish they could feel my abandonment issues and low self-esteem. I wish they could feel my anxiety and how easy it is to go from “0 to 100”. I wish they could feel my sadness and how easily I take on burdens that are not my own (not because I’m nosey but because I’m sincerely trying to help). I wish they could feel the pain – not just mine, but what I also feel from others. Some people, I wish they could just feel at all.

I’ve heard empathy is a beautiful gift. But I live it everyday and I feel it’s a curse. I care too much about matters that are not my own. People will ask me why I concern myself with such things… I honestly feel like I have no control to do otherwise. I don’t want to get involved. I don’t want to be saddened simply because somebody I care about is sad. I want to have control over my feelings and emotions and I so badly struggle to know what it is that I feel and not what empathy is making me feel toward others. Where do my feelings begin and others’ end? The line seems to have become too blurred to tell.

Something I can tell you from experience – I can get brought down real quick. Whether it be by others or my own circumstance, it’s much easier to let the bad feelings and thoughts linger. The sadness becomes too powerful and I am quickly overcome. I’m not simply being dramaic, I literally feel overcome with emotion and can’t function.

But wait, what about the opposite end of the spectrum… the joy? I must feel overwhelming moments of happiness too. Take the good with the bad, they say. And I do. I do have moments of overwhelming happiness, but those moments quickly fade. The happiness doesn’t stick around as long as the sadness. And while I couldn’t tell you why, that’s the way my brain has always been.

“Just remember the good.” “Just hold onto the good.” “Ignore the bad.” “You’ll get through it.” “The good always overcomes the bad.” “I know you feel badly right now but you will feel good again.” And forever and ever many more short sayings like that, that I have heard over the years when my emotions really overcome me. Hearing those things don’t hhelp. Because I can’t escape the now nd what I’m feeling. I literally can’t hold onto the good. So often others refuse to believe that’s true. People often sympathize, but not empathize.

It can be so difficult for other people to understand why people with BPD get so worked up over “the little things” or “have an emotional breakdown” nearly every day. It’s because we feel so strongly. We don’t get to pick and choose which emotions we feel, we feel them ALL. An while it can be hard for some to understand, our hearts are in a good place, no matter what the outcome.

-CJ

Photo credit: here

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